A week ago, I decided to deactivate my facebook. I went back because I didn’t want to lose all my precious photos. I knew that I’d regret losing those eventually. I knew that I’d want to look at them when I got older and show them to my kids. So I tried the thing where you download a copy of your facebook archive, but according to my lightning speed internet connection, it would have taken me 4 days and 52 mins. :) Seeing that it was impossible, I took the effort to just delete the approx. 500 people that I didn’t talk to, and decided to keep approx. 100 people (family, schoolmates, and some friends from the US whom I didn’t want to lose touch with). Not that we really keep in touch..but it’s nice to see their posts and see how they’re doing.
I took the effort to delete 500 people one by one. It feels kinda stupid, but the presence of these people in my “friends” section was bothering me so much. There were some people I didn’t want to delete, but I decided I wouldn’t make any exceptions. (As if they’d notice hahaha). Also, I needed facebook for school. (updates and stuff) But yeah, I’m so much more comfortable with my facebook now. I share whatever I want, without the annoying crap on my feed I don’t care about, the feeling ugly because of someone else’s photos, the need for likes, and all the other shit having a ton of friends on facebook you don’t really know comes with.
Would you rather be in a sea of people who don’t really care about you or a small group of people you know love you? I think I made the right choice. Fuck yeah.
Maybe I’ll come back when I miss them.
That will probably be a while from now. This is part of my healing. I need to express myself on places other than tumblr, so that people I know in real life can actually get to know me.
I’ve lost the habit of posting personal bits of my life (I don’t know, I was afraid of losing followers? lol -_-), and right now my blog is pretty dead. So this is the post in which I take the first step in changing that.
I want to share so much more than just my drawings.
So here’s some bits and pieces about how I’ve been.
I’m two weeks into my first sem this school year, and I’m in a very happy place in my life right now. I’m no longer the lazy bum that crams the night before exams and leaves a mess everywhere I go. I think that a lot of this has to do with being uncommitted. He used to take up so much of my time (that was meant for studying), and I didn’t even mind. In fact, I loved it. I welcomed it. He was always first. God knew that wasn’t right, and it did have to end. Who knows what I would’ve done for that boy..
Life taught me a painful lesson, one that everyone eventually has to go through. I’m just glad that I’m okay now, that I’m doing just fine without him. I’m the healthiest I’ve been in the longest time, physically, emotionally, spiritually. <3 I’m fine and dandy. ^-^
Here’s a doodle I did during my Health Economics class. My prof’s teaching style is “Reread everything from the book”, so I didn’t feel the need to listen.
Do you want to see a picture of me? No? ok, here is a picture of me.
I was feeling pretty good 2 minutes ago until facebook ruined my life again. I had to turn off my music cus I couldn’t handle the feels.
I hate seeing his face. I hate his success. I hate when my friends support him. I hate it. AND I KNOW IT’S WRONG. AND I KNOW I’M SO FUCKING BITTER. BUT I HATE IT. I HATE THIS. I HATE HAVING TO FEEL LIKE I NEED PEOPLE ON MY SIDE. I KNOW IT’S WRONG, BUT I DO. AND THERE’S NO ONE ON MY SIDE. NO ONE GIVES A FUCK THAT I GOT FUCKED OVER.
what are friends.
I’m so tired of trying to be happy. trying to focus on myself, on moving on, being strong, and blah blah blah. It’s fucking hard. especially when no one is really helping you and it kinda feels like everyone else is cheering the other person on.
So this is the I post in which I share how I’m dealing with the breakup.
It’s been one month and I’m still hurting, just not as much. Sometimes he pops into my mind, and I realize that I’ve lost feelings for him, but not really. I will always treasure the boy I fell in love with several months ago, but.. that’s not him anymore. I like to think of it in a way that the guy I loved is gone. That he drifts into other people’s bodies. Like he’s trying to find a permanent home, and in between our encounters, he lets me grow.
I know God knows that my last relationship wasn’t healthy, and He knows that I lost myself during that time. I neglected my family and lost all of my friends, basically, in exchange for the temporary high that this boy gave me. I didn’t realize back then that it was only temporary.
Still, what hurts the most is that this boy who told me he loved me and made me feel it too, eventually gave up on me. I sulked in anger for about 2 weeks. Angry that he left, and wasn’t coming back. I felt like I had put up with so much of him, I forgave him multiple times, and then he just left me. It hurt.
Eventually, I got over that. I realized that maybe there’s someone out there more suited for me. That this relationship was forced. And because of that, it was going to end eventually. I guess he did me a favor by ending it.
What kept me going in the relationship was my belief to not give up no matter what on the person you love. That we should always find a way to fix it. I was forcing it to work.
I don’t know what to believe in anymore though.
I just don’t believe that there’s a perfect person out there for me, for anyone. That I should pass up a person I found something special with for hopes in finding something even more special. That “special” thing dies out anyways, in all relationships. That’s what I believe. No matter how perfect two people are for each other, eventually it gets rough. You can’t keep throwing away what you have in search of that “young love feeling”. What makes it special is if you still want to stay, even when the sparks die down. You have to fight for it.
But then again, some people just aren’t meant to be. Like us.
See? these two ideas, both correct. both contradicting.
I don’t think he visits my blog anymore, so maybe it’s safe now to vent some stuff out.
I don’t know why, but everywhere I go, I feel out of place. I feel awkward and unliked. I feel negligible, like it wouldn’t matter if I wasn’t around. And these days, the only person that I feel I can be myself around is him.
But I am incapable of maintaing a healthy relationship. I’m always angry. I always start fights. I lack in trust.
But I can’t blame him. Because right now, he’s the most amazing boyfriend. He loves me, despite of what I put him through on an almost daily basis. He’s changed so much. He’s everything I wish he could have been when we first got together. :(
Everything is perfect, except for me. I’m destroying the thing that I treasure the most with my own insecurities.
I don’t think he knows how hard it is for me. Usually after a bad relationship, you move on and find someone who treats you better. And I’ve done that. He treats me so much better now than before. I’m happy.
But how do I move on when it’s still the same person? How do I trust him completely again? :(
What happened between us before will always be there. Nothing can erase that. And I keep on letting it ruin what we have now. It’s so hard to forget.
And I’ve become the type of girl who’s so difficult to love. So difficult to please. And everyday I’m scared that I’m only a day closer to tbe day he gives up on me.
Nagbrowse ako ng mga lumang files and found some old photos of myself. Nagulat ako sa laki at tambok ng pisngi at buong mukha ko. Ipinakita ko sa aking kapatid at tinanong ko kung ganito pa rin ba ang itsura ko. Sabi niya Oo. Sumingit naman ang nanay ko, “Mataba ka pa rin.”
Ok. alam ko.
pero ung tono ng pagkasabi niya nakakasakit.
My mother doesn’t know how badly she hits my self-esteem. My mother doesn’t know how ugly she makes me feel. How much her words hurt. How calling me fat doesn’t really help anything. Because damn it, mom, I know that already.
I’m already ugly. You don’t have to remind me.
I hate looking in the mirror. Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I really do just feel so ugly.
Most of the time actually. This is one of those nights.
I had acne when I was younger. It’s a lot better now, but it’s left me with scars. My skin is naturally rough, porous, and oily. Something I inherited from my father’s side of the family. I don’t think people understand what it’s like to have skin like this, people who have never suffered from acne before.
In grade school, I used to be made fun of a lot because of it. I couldn’t do anything about it.
I don’t think you understand what it’s like to have a face like this. I mean, this is the first thing that people see. I don’t like being in the sunlight because of it. I’m conscious about the lighting everywhere I go.
I used to be thin. I got fat due to a diet of chips ahoy. Year after year, I tell myself that I need to lose weight. But it’s the opposite that’s happening.
Do you know what it’s like to be a fat girl?
Well it hurts a lot. You look in the mirror and feel really bad. People comment on your weight and you feel even worse.
People don’t understand the weight of their words. How girls remember everything you say. How hard your comments hit us. How many times we’ve heard it before. We’re sick of it. We feel bad enough, alright? Can you just not make it any worse?
Please. I know i’m fat. Do you think I like it? I don’t need to be reminded every damn minute.
I guess I’m just really upset because the one person I look to for support, my mother, is the person who brings me down most of all.
I love seeing couples, reading their stories, seeing what they do for each other. At the same time I feel extremely lonely with my own situation. I envy those girls who get calls every night, get flowers on random days, go on frequent dates, constantly made to feel that they’re special. I can’t help but ask why I can’t have that. :( Am I not pretty enough? Am I boring? Am I a bad girlfriend? Am I not worth the effort because nobody else wants me? :(
My ex boyfriend chose video games over me. :( How sad is that. I feel so worthless.
I wish I could find someone. Someone who not only accepts my flaws, like my fat nose and porous skin, but actually likes them. Not because he finds it attractitve, but because it’s a part of me, whom he loves, adores, and accepts completely. Every atom of me.