So this is the I post in which I share how I’m dealing with the breakup.
It’s been one month and I’m still hurting, just not as much. Sometimes he pops into my mind, and I realize that I’ve lost feelings for him, but not really. I will always treasure the boy I fell in love with several months ago, but.. that’s not him anymore. I like to think of it in a way that the guy I loved is gone. That he drifts into other people’s bodies. Like he’s trying to find a permanent home, and in between our encounters, he lets me grow.
I know God knows that my last relationship wasn’t healthy, and He knows that I lost myself during that time. I neglected my family and lost all of my friends, basically, in exchange for the temporary high that this boy gave me. I didn’t realize back then that it was only temporary.
Still, what hurts the most is that this boy who told me he loved me and made me feel it too, eventually gave up on me. I sulked in anger for about 2 weeks. Angry that he left, and wasn’t coming back. I felt like I had put up with so much of him, I forgave him multiple times, and then he just left me. It hurt.
Eventually, I got over that. I realized that maybe there’s someone out there more suited for me. That this relationship was forced. And because of that, it was going to end eventually. I guess he did me a favor by ending it.
What kept me going in the relationship was my belief to not give up no matter what on the person you love. That we should always find a way to fix it. I was forcing it to work.
I don’t know what to believe in anymore though.
I just don’t believe that there’s a perfect person out there for me, for anyone. That I should pass up a person I found something special with for hopes in finding something even more special. That “special” thing dies out anyways, in all relationships. That’s what I believe. No matter how perfect two people are for each other, eventually it gets rough. You can’t keep throwing away what you have in search of that “young love feeling”. What makes it special is if you still want to stay, even when the sparks die down. You have to fight for it.
But then again, some people just aren’t meant to be. Like us.
See? these two ideas, both correct. both contradicting.
I don’t know.
To the boy I loved,
‘til we meet again.
Kasi mahirap itype sa tab.
I don’t think he visits my blog anymore, so maybe it’s safe now to vent some stuff out.
I don’t know why, but everywhere I go, I feel out of place. I feel awkward and unliked. I feel negligible, like it wouldn’t matter if I wasn’t around. And these days, the only person that I feel I can be myself around is him.
But I am incapable of maintaing a healthy relationship. I’m always angry. I always start fights. I lack in trust.
But I can’t blame him. Because right now, he’s the most amazing boyfriend. He loves me, despite of what I put him through on an almost daily basis. He’s changed so much. He’s everything I wish he could have been when we first got together. :(
Everything is perfect, except for me. I’m destroying the thing that I treasure the most with my own insecurities.
I don’t think he knows how hard it is for me. Usually after a bad relationship, you move on and find someone who treats you better. And I’ve done that. He treats me so much better now than before. I’m happy.
But how do I move on when it’s still the same person? How do I trust him completely again? :(
What happened between us before will always be there. Nothing can erase that. And I keep on letting it ruin what we have now. It’s so hard to forget.
And I’ve become the type of girl who’s so difficult to love. So difficult to please. And everyday I’m scared that I’m only a day closer to tbe day he gives up on me.
I love you so much. Please never leave me.
My boyfriend and I recently got back together and I love him even more now. We can’t always be happy. I just hope that during those bad times, we remember how we felt during the good ones.
December 17, 2012
On being an ugly chubby teenage girl.
Nagbrowse ako ng mga lumang files and found some old photos of myself. Nagulat ako sa laki at tambok ng pisngi at buong mukha ko. Ipinakita ko sa aking kapatid at tinanong ko kung ganito pa rin ba ang itsura ko. Sabi niya Oo. Sumingit naman ang nanay ko, “Mataba ka pa rin.”
Ok. alam ko.
pero ung tono ng pagkasabi niya nakakasakit.
My mother doesn’t know how badly she hits my self-esteem. My mother doesn’t know how ugly she makes me feel. How much her words hurt. How calling me fat doesn’t really help anything. Because damn it, mom, I know that already.
I’m already ugly. You don’t have to remind me.
I hate looking in the mirror. Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I really do just feel so ugly.
Most of the time actually. This is one of those nights.
I had acne when I was younger. It’s a lot better now, but it’s left me with scars. My skin is naturally rough, porous, and oily. Something I inherited from my father’s side of the family. I don’t think people understand what it’s like to have skin like this, people who have never suffered from acne before.
In grade school, I used to be made fun of a lot because of it. I couldn’t do anything about it.
I don’t think you understand what it’s like to have a face like this. I mean, this is the first thing that people see. I don’t like being in the sunlight because of it. I’m conscious about the lighting everywhere I go.
I used to be thin. I got fat due to a diet of chips ahoy. Year after year, I tell myself that I need to lose weight. But it’s the opposite that’s happening.
Do you know what it’s like to be a fat girl?
Well it hurts a lot. You look in the mirror and feel really bad. People comment on your weight and you feel even worse.
People don’t understand the weight of their words. How girls remember everything you say. How hard your comments hit us. How many times we’ve heard it before. We’re sick of it. We feel bad enough, alright? Can you just not make it any worse?
Please. I know i’m fat. Do you think I like it? I don’t need to be reminded every damn minute.
I guess I’m just really upset because the one person I look to for support, my mother, is the person who brings me down most of all.
Stop making me hate myself, mom.
I say, ‘I am fat.’
He says ‘No, you are beautiful.’
I wonder why I cannot be both.
He kisses me
My college theater professor once told me
that despite my talent,
I would never be cast as a romantic lead.
We do plays that involve singing animals
and children with the ability to fly,
but apparently no one
has enough willing suspension of disbelief
to go with anyone loving a fat girl.
I daydream regularly
about fucking my boyfriend vigorously on his front lawn.
On the mornings I do not feel pretty,
while he is still asleep,
I sit on the floor and check the pockets of his skinny jeans for motive,
for a punchline,
for other girls’ phone numbers.
When we hold hands in public,
I wonder if he notices the looks —
like he is handling a parade balloon on a crowded sidewalk;
if he notices that my hands are now made of rope.
Dear Cosmo: Fuck you.
I will not take sex tips from you
on how to please a man you think I do not deserve.
He tells me he loves me with the lights on.
I can cup his hip bone in my hand,
feel his ribs without pressing very hard at all.
He does not believe me when I tell him he is beautiful.
Sometimes I fear the day he does will be the day he leaves.
The cute hipster girl at the coffee shop
assumes we are just friends
and flirts over the counter.
I spend the next two weeks
mentally replacing myself with her
in all of our photographs.
When I admit this to him
we spend the evening taking new photos together.
He will not let me delete a single one of them.
The phrase “Big girls need love too” can die in a fire.
Fucking me does not require an asterisk.
Loving me is not a fetish.
Finding me beautiful is not a novelty.
I am not a fucking novelty.
I say, ‘I am fat.’
He says, ‘No. You are so much more’,
and kisses me
I love seeing couples, reading their stories, seeing what they do for each other. At the same time I feel extremely lonely with my own situation. I envy those girls who get calls every night, get flowers on random days, go on frequent dates, constantly made to feel that they’re special. I can’t help but ask why I can’t have that. :( Am I not pretty enough? Am I boring? Am I a bad girlfriend? Am I not worth the effort because nobody else wants me? :(
My ex boyfriend chose video games over me. :( How sad is that. I feel so worthless.
I wish I could find someone. Someone who not only accepts my flaws, like my fat nose and porous skin, but actually likes them. Not because he finds it attractitve, but because it’s a part of me, whom he loves, adores, and accepts completely. Every atom of me.
Kaya naman pala nanlamig, may bago na.
Damn, I feel stupid.
September 10, 2012
And I still wish I could be there, to make you feel loved.
September 10, 2012
August 15, 2012
Uggh, the spamming won’t stop.
I log out for like 2 hours. 1000000000000000 spam posts appear on my blog. :(((
How do I make it stopppp?? T.T
Also, the dude with the leaf, I didn’t reblog that. ?
But I like it.
I’ll keep it.
But the spamming has to stooooooop. :((